I'm about to upset a few folks.
(Not a big surprise.)
But I will also, I hope, amuse one or two and maybe open some eyes. No, don't thank me. It's what I do.
I've heard more than one liberal defenders of gay folks say, with the best of intentions,: "Of course being gay isn't a choice! After all, gay people deal with prejudice, fear, bullying, discrimination and outright hate." "Who", they ask, "would choose to be gay?"
Well...me.
You see, I don't view my sexuality as an affliction; as something to be separated, quantified, altered or fixed. It simply is. Like being tall, I didn't choose it. Like my hazel eyes, I didn't pick from a menu. But if I could, knowing all I know now, you bet your ass I would.
Allow me, if you will, the indulgence of analogy. (I have no clue why I asked your permission, since you really can neither grant nor deny said permission. It just sounds so warm and old time author-y.). I am 6'4". I am not proud nor ashamed of my height, it simply is. Being tall affords me certain benefits. I am the go-to guy for getting things off of the top shelf for old ladies at Walmart. And I'm almost guaranteed the role of the Giant in the local community theatre's third revival of "Jack & the Giant". (Played it twice already, so I'm something of a shoo-in).
But being tall affords some less-than-ideal moments as well. I'm unlikely to buy a pair of pants off the rack at the same Walmart, they're all too short. And odds are good I'll smack my head on the low-slung door frame to the prop room at the aforementioned theatre. So, being tall has it's perqs as well as it's detriments.. But, overall, I like it and -given the choice- yes, I'd choose to be just this height. It's fun in it's own way, being tall. As I said, people feel quite comfortable asking my help with high things, like shelves. Eventually someone will ask if I play basketball to which I invariably respond "No, do you play miniature golf?" Perhaps being of average height would be easier, but not nearly as interesting.
And so it is with being gay. There are detriments. I would happily have gone through my entire adolescence without being called a fag. I would prefer not to have had to come out to my older and less than hip parents. But most of what was difficult about being gay came from external sources. My poor self image was borne of a society that makes being gay exceptionally tough for a teen. (see: "Who Killed Tyler Clementi?")But that's all pretty much a "moo" point, since there was no choice to make.
You see, as I recall, there wasn't a moment when pre-adolescent Dean said to himself "Hm, guys or girls? Which will I choose? Decisions, decisions." But had such a moment occurred, why wouldn't I have chosen to be gay? Not being gay certainly wouldn't have been a guarantee of a bully-free life. It wouldn't mean less heartache or guilt or fear or any of those human experiences that people who cry "no choice" would have one believe are attendant to the gay experience.
There is no "gay experience", no "lifestyle choice" - there is just life. That lifestyle that we all share, is a sure route to all of the pain, etc. Okay, sure, there may be some commonality among gay folks, some shared emotions but mostly it's just human experience.
And here's a sure bet- if I wasn't gay, I wouldn't be sharing my life with a warm, funny talented man. That would be a tragedy.
So, yeah, I'd choose to be a tall gay guy. I'd like to have been born with better teeth and lacking the gene that makes me crave just about everything that's bad for me, but that's another blog.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Who Killed Tyler Clementi?
Who killed Tyler Clementi?
The simple answer, the guiltless, easy answer is that Tyler Clementi killed himself. It's neat and tidy and thoroughly incorrect. The responsibility for the death of Tyler Clementi lies squarely on the shoulders of middle America.
On Wednesday evening, September 22, 18 year old Clementi leaped to his death from the George Washington Bridge. The speculation is that Clementi committed this most desperate act because his roommate, Dharun Ravi also 18, had twice streamed video of Clementi having sexual encounters with another male. And, worse, no-one seemed to care.
There are so very many issues at work here, it's hard to peel the proverbial onion to get to the core issue.
Is is lack of respect for privacy? Oh no question. It's unimaginable that anyone would sceretly stream video for the entertainment of others, even if that video shows only the victim eating or studying or other mundane daily rituals. But to expose someone engaged in acts of intimacy, how low have we gone?
Is the issue just one of "boys will be boys"? Well, yes and no. It smacks of a Jackass prank and we have, after all, raised a generation on reality TV, titillated at the exploits of real people. Can we really provide kids with the technology, raise them on tabloid TV and not expect that something like this would happen? It does not make it right, but it does explain some of the etiology of the behavior.
Or is the issue homophobia? On Twitter, Ravi received sympathy from "followers" at having to share a room with a "gay person". And that's where we hit the "no-one seemed to care" point, since Clementi saw those responses to Ravi's social network post. "How did you go back in that room?" Ravi's followers empathized.
It's easy to vilify Ravi and his accomplice Molly Wei, 18. They need to be punished for their action, regardless of it's consequences. But the responsibility belongs to American society.
We create an atmosphere that accepts that gay people are somehow lesser than. We deny them the right to marry, we do not allow them to serve in the military; are we surprised, then, that barely-dry-behind-the-ears college students subjected this boy to humiliation?
I mourn the death of Tyler Clementi, who- like his predecessors Matthew Shepard, Ryan Skipper and too many others- will likely become a symbol for combating homophobia and bullying. So be it. Every movement has it's martyrs. But Tyler's death at his own behest is not isolated. This is not a random thing that has happened. Gay kids kill themselves on a regular basis, they simply die under less sensational circumstances. And their deaths, too, lie with preachers and pundits who encourage this view of gays as lesser-than. It needs to stop. It needs to start with you. If you find yourself around those who voice negative opinions of gays, who make jokes or other derogatory comments, just say "I disagree" or "I don't accept that." Don't allow someone's bigotry and bullying to go unchallenged. It's a small thing, a ripple. But from such ripples come great waves.
On September 22, Tyler Clementi ended his life. I hope, to my core, that his loss can mean something, can open a dialogue, can be the beginning of people simply saying "I disagree".
The simple answer, the guiltless, easy answer is that Tyler Clementi killed himself. It's neat and tidy and thoroughly incorrect. The responsibility for the death of Tyler Clementi lies squarely on the shoulders of middle America.
On Wednesday evening, September 22, 18 year old Clementi leaped to his death from the George Washington Bridge. The speculation is that Clementi committed this most desperate act because his roommate, Dharun Ravi also 18, had twice streamed video of Clementi having sexual encounters with another male. And, worse, no-one seemed to care.
There are so very many issues at work here, it's hard to peel the proverbial onion to get to the core issue.
Is is lack of respect for privacy? Oh no question. It's unimaginable that anyone would sceretly stream video for the entertainment of others, even if that video shows only the victim eating or studying or other mundane daily rituals. But to expose someone engaged in acts of intimacy, how low have we gone?
Is the issue just one of "boys will be boys"? Well, yes and no. It smacks of a Jackass prank and we have, after all, raised a generation on reality TV, titillated at the exploits of real people. Can we really provide kids with the technology, raise them on tabloid TV and not expect that something like this would happen? It does not make it right, but it does explain some of the etiology of the behavior.
Or is the issue homophobia? On Twitter, Ravi received sympathy from "followers" at having to share a room with a "gay person". And that's where we hit the "no-one seemed to care" point, since Clementi saw those responses to Ravi's social network post. "How did you go back in that room?" Ravi's followers empathized.
It's easy to vilify Ravi and his accomplice Molly Wei, 18. They need to be punished for their action, regardless of it's consequences. But the responsibility belongs to American society.
We create an atmosphere that accepts that gay people are somehow lesser than. We deny them the right to marry, we do not allow them to serve in the military; are we surprised, then, that barely-dry-behind-the-ears college students subjected this boy to humiliation?
I mourn the death of Tyler Clementi, who- like his predecessors Matthew Shepard, Ryan Skipper and too many others- will likely become a symbol for combating homophobia and bullying. So be it. Every movement has it's martyrs. But Tyler's death at his own behest is not isolated. This is not a random thing that has happened. Gay kids kill themselves on a regular basis, they simply die under less sensational circumstances. And their deaths, too, lie with preachers and pundits who encourage this view of gays as lesser-than. It needs to stop. It needs to start with you. If you find yourself around those who voice negative opinions of gays, who make jokes or other derogatory comments, just say "I disagree" or "I don't accept that." Don't allow someone's bigotry and bullying to go unchallenged. It's a small thing, a ripple. But from such ripples come great waves.
On September 22, Tyler Clementi ended his life. I hope, to my core, that his loss can mean something, can open a dialogue, can be the beginning of people simply saying "I disagree".
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Yet another writer wanna-be.
A Dickensian paraphrase: It's the least I can do, it's the best I can do.
I suppose a simple introduction is in order. Awkward, though, since I have no idea whether I already know you or not. I'll presume I do not. I will equally presume you actually exist.
So, gentle reader (the first of many cliches), I am a 50 something year old gay man living in a semi-suburban town just south east of Philadelphia PA. I suppose I didn't immediately need to identify as gay, as it will matter little in much of what I write. Straight people don't seem to mark that territory nearly as quickly as gay folks do, I guess because it's presupposed. There are many other facts of my life that will play a much more important role in shaping my thoughts as I put fingers to keys.
I'm unemployed, active in community theatre, a recovering alcoholic, a slob, a dog lover who has a cat, an estranged brother and (I am told) a treasured friend. Politically, I lean to the left, get a touch of vertigo and find myself leaning back toward the center. I watch too much television, but mostly reruns of old shows. I spend way too much time on the Internet which has made me a damn good Googler and fairly inured to porn. And I am a domestic partner. These things will shape my blog, as they shape my life.
Facebook actually led me to blogging. People who have read my status updates told me repeatedly I should consider writing. Short of greeting cards, there is little market for the pithy, quick and sometimes bizarre things I haphazardly put out on poor, unsuspecting news feeds. And thus, I blog.
I really have no idea who will deign to read these musings. In fact, I stopped reading myself two paragraphs ago. I figure I know me pretty well, already know what I'm going to say and am relatively unimpressed.
I will do my best to entertain, perhaps teach and try my damnedest not to bore. It's the least I can do, it's the best I can do.
I suppose a simple introduction is in order. Awkward, though, since I have no idea whether I already know you or not. I'll presume I do not. I will equally presume you actually exist.
So, gentle reader (the first of many cliches), I am a 50 something year old gay man living in a semi-suburban town just south east of Philadelphia PA. I suppose I didn't immediately need to identify as gay, as it will matter little in much of what I write. Straight people don't seem to mark that territory nearly as quickly as gay folks do, I guess because it's presupposed. There are many other facts of my life that will play a much more important role in shaping my thoughts as I put fingers to keys.
I'm unemployed, active in community theatre, a recovering alcoholic, a slob, a dog lover who has a cat, an estranged brother and (I am told) a treasured friend. Politically, I lean to the left, get a touch of vertigo and find myself leaning back toward the center. I watch too much television, but mostly reruns of old shows. I spend way too much time on the Internet which has made me a damn good Googler and fairly inured to porn. And I am a domestic partner. These things will shape my blog, as they shape my life.
Facebook actually led me to blogging. People who have read my status updates told me repeatedly I should consider writing. Short of greeting cards, there is little market for the pithy, quick and sometimes bizarre things I haphazardly put out on poor, unsuspecting news feeds. And thus, I blog.
I really have no idea who will deign to read these musings. In fact, I stopped reading myself two paragraphs ago. I figure I know me pretty well, already know what I'm going to say and am relatively unimpressed.
I will do my best to entertain, perhaps teach and try my damnedest not to bore. It's the least I can do, it's the best I can do.
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